As for bathroom literature, I’ve read and re-read all my good magazines — you know, the ones with stop-the-universe headlines such as “Britney’s Comeback Single Leaked!” and “Tara Reid Gets Her Nails Done - She’s Just Like You!” — and am now down to the bottom of the stack. For some reason, through my old job, I have a subscription to Seventeen magazine. Flipping through the pages, I know I should be kept at least mildly entertained as I often feel like I fall into this exact demographic. I mean, I HEART Jordin Sparks, I drop the word “like,” like, compulsively, and I sometimes ask my dad for $20 when I go to the mall. But I’m proud to say that I just can’t get into it. For instance, on page 132, there’s a quiz titled “Is your crush a MySpace player?” (Subtact points if: He has more than 700 friends, more than half of his top “friends” are girls in skimpy clothing or his page’s background is a half-naked Carmen Electra or a marijuana leaf.) Dude, is this for real? Remember the simpler days of good, old fashioned AIM idle minutes stalking? Um, not that I ever did that.

P.S. Add me on Facebook! The site is strangely addicting. Like it’s just so important that I know (RIGHT THIS INSTANT!) that Mike is now looking for whatever he can get, Jessica and Derek are now in a relationship, Jessica and Derek are no longer in a relationship, Jessica and Derek are now in a relationship and Grace is eating mango chips. Life is so full.