Another really creepy thing I admit to doing (besides rockin’ out at the cemetery) is naming hypothetical children. I mean, I know every girl has her favorite baby names, but I’m pretty sure I’ve taken the whole naming process to another level, especially as I’m so not ready for the actual OWNING A HUMAN part that comes after it. I just find the process incredibly peaceful, perhaps because there’s no real pressure to actually choose one and because I’ve never been thrilled with own name (I mean, it’s pleasant and it has its own Beatles’ song and the E-L-L-E loops are pretty fun in signatures, but come on! Creativity, people!)
Anyway, when I think of a name, I think of it fully. I’ll think of its sounds, whether they’re harsh or soft. I’ll think of its ease off the tongue, how natural it is to say, “Hey ____!” I’ll think of the feelings the name evokes, how well it sticks in ones memory, its searchability on Google. I’ll write the name on paper — in cursive, in lowercase, in all caps. I’ll even type it out using various fonts, paying attention to the curves of the letters (Vs, Ks, Xs = kind of clunky). I’ll think of those who have the name (good: characters in classic English literature; bad: characters in US Weekly). I’ll think of whether I would want (or would’ve wanted) the name at age 5, 13, now, 40 and 72.
So on the drive back from San Diego, I made the horrible mistake of describing my obsession with names to Matt. He didn’t get all freaked out or anything. It wasn’t like that. In fact, quite the opposite. He was like, “Tell me some names you like and I’ll try to think of whether I’d want to punch that kid in the face if I were a kid.”
And thus it began.
“OK, I’ll start with girls. Teal.”
“Punch.”
“Penelope.”
“Punch.”
“Gemma.”
“Punch.”
“Simone.”
“Punch!! And then put her in a headlock.”
“Georgia.”
“Punch in the vagina.”
“STOP IT! I’M NOT TELLING YOU ANY MORE!”
Yeah. Pretty big mistake. Sigh. I need a new hobby.
16 responses so far ↓
1 natasha // Jul 17, 2008 at 8:28 am
It’s not that weird. I’ve named my hypothetical child and I don’t even know if I want any. Her (because I have TOTAL control over the sex) name will be Natalia and she will be evil and molded to my likeness. Yea, I shouldn’t have children.
How can you punch a Penelope?
2 m@ // Jul 17, 2008 at 9:34 am
Just to clarify, I would like to note that I’m not going to punch these people as a grown man. You have to think about how others will punish children for your poor naming ability.
3 michelle // Jul 17, 2008 at 9:59 am
Yes, I thought of that after I wrote this. I just clarified that these are punches you would give as a kid.
I like Natalia.
4 m@ // Jul 18, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Think about these two names. Don’t think about what you already know about them, but just listen to the sounds.
Chlamydia and Gonorrhea. The last one sounds very ethnic, huh?
5 Diana // Jul 18, 2008 at 7:04 pm
I love conversations between you and Matt. Please publish a book with them. Or a daily calendar. I like the name Dayvanee (from the Notebook, the granddaughter).
6 bobby // Jul 18, 2008 at 11:38 pm
Dayvanee?
Punch!
7 m@ // Jul 19, 2008 at 1:20 am
See? Someone gets me! I thought the name was a boy’s name until I read “granddaughter” in your comment. I was ready to punch him in the nuts.
8 natasha // Jul 20, 2008 at 9:16 am
I just thought of the best name for my roommates kid. You’d love it mish: Marine Lyfe Bung. (Her last name is Yang and her man’s last name is Buttles.)
9 Nina // Jul 20, 2008 at 11:25 pm
I second Natasha. Who would punch a Penelope? Dayam.
10 maggie // Jul 23, 2008 at 7:31 pm
i missed this post before! and it made me snort/laugh. i Love the name Georgia. it was on my baby list name.
11 Tiffany // Jul 28, 2008 at 7:51 am
“magenta” and “pixel”
“punch”
our hypothetical kids are going to kill us.
12 Kimberly // Feb 3, 2009 at 5:25 pm
I thought it would be cool to name my daughter Emerald, until someone pointed out to me that since my last name is Green and I don’t plan on getting married anytime soon. My kid may have issues on the playground….or become a stripper. That’s another game you can play with kid names, “What kind of job would______ have?”
13 joanna goddard // Mar 19, 2009 at 12:54 pm
haha, this is hilarious. i do the same thing (sort of) — i try to picture the name on a really dorky kid and a really cool kid and see if they both fit. i think my kids will probably be kind of dorky, at least i hope so.
14 Autumn // May 1, 2009 at 11:44 am
I really like your blog and writing down a list of potential baby names isn’t weird at all. I did it too, but haven’t been bold enough to post them on here. You have given me courage. Thank you. :o) lol!
Seriously.
15 C // Aug 4, 2009 at 7:51 am
I actually have mine written down in a notebook because I periodically decide I love a name and then forget it which gives me unparalleled rage. I also hate when people share names with me and I want to be like WHAT? You’re gonna name your kid THAT? Would you want that name?
16 Tabitha // Dec 17, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Hi there! Totally just visited your blog for the first time (since we’re twitter friends and all) and I clicked your About Me and then into this post, and HAHAHA! I love it. My husband (back when he was my boyfriend) and I had a similar conversation, and he was all up in arms about some of the names I liked. Silly boys.
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