My friends are flakes.
Maybe not all of them, but probably a good majority of them and definitely the ones I care about most. It’s something I’ve come to accept and expect, similar to how I’ve come to accept and expect all Southwest flights to be delayed at least 45 minutes, but it doesn’t mean my blood doesn’t rise to a simmer every time I get a text a few hours before a planned meet-up that reads: “Can’t make it! [Insert emphatic excuse here, ie. The Good Student Approach —> '10,000 pages to read before tomorrow's big test,' The Family Obligation Approach —> 'My mom needs me to do something very important,' and The I Can't Even Put Effort Into An Excuse Approach —> 'I've been really, really tired.'] Sorry!!!!!!! We must hang out soon!!!!” You can’t forget the multiple exclamation points, which, of course, make everything better.
I’m not saying I myself deserve any Friend of the Year awards. I know stuff comes up. I’ve needed to use those Get Out of Plans cards, too. But sometimes I wonder: Have we become too comfortable in our friendships, assuming that we can flake time and time again without consequence? Or at this point in our lives, is friendship just not a priority anymore? And in the end, do the relationships outweigh the disappointments?
This is an embarrassingly late announcement, but I wrote about the slow demise of friendship over at the fab quarterlife hub Umm… Now what? Despite what it seems, I don’t think about this crap all the time. I’m not sitting on the porch with a banjo singing, “Lonelyyyyy, I’m so lonelyyyyy.” But it is both irritating and sad to know that many of my friendships are held together only by plans that are ultimately tentative.
My boyfriend Matt is the most reliable person I’ve ever met. His be-there, no-excuses personality seems almost out of place in our whatever-works-best-for-me generation. It’s something I admire greatly about him, yet it’s also something that can get annoying. Whenever a close friend sends us an Evite for some sort of gathering, he’s the first to reply ‘yes,’ along with some witty remark. And when he says he’ll be there, you know he’ll be there.
“Don’t you want to wait to see who else is going?” I’ll ask.
“No,” he’ll say. “Why does that matter?”
Then on the day of the event, he makes it a point to arrive exactly on time.
“Hurry up, we’re going to be late,” he’ll say, as I sit in front of the mirror, leisurely applying mascara.
“Who cares?” I’ll say. “No one ever shows up until at least an hour after something is supposed to start, anyway. I’m not ready.”
He’ll then proceed to tell me we have to go every 20 seconds.
“Gah!” I’ll yell.
It’s strange, really. To put as much effort in your social life as you would in your professional life. But when you think about it, why not? You may not get a pink slip, but you can definitely get fired as a friend. (OMG, did I just write that trash?) Reliability isn’t as sexy a characteristic as say, spunk or sense of humor, but in any relationship, it may be even more important. Oftentimes, it’s the foundation.
So quit flaking, bitches.
i very rarely flake, simply because i get so disappointed when people flake on me. and the older and more mature we get, the less i find i hang with flaky people. so that’s good too. i am punctual to a fault — i was raised by a woman who’s father referred to her as “the late jackie.” my mom wasn’t ever really late, per se, it was just that her “getting ready” was timed to the SECOND. i am still baffled when my roommates have time to eat breakfast in the morning. :)
I dont like to flake but have at times pulled a get out of plans card but very rarely. I had a friend who flaked all the time, I just stopped making plans with her. Honestly, I was tired of wasting my time and her seeming to not be able to make any effort.
I hate it when friends are flakey too! It really gets under my skin. I’ve had a few flakey friends that I’ve stopped making plans with and have even changed the way I view our friendship. I will think of them more as acquaintances or just as my “work friend.” It’s kinda sad…
I definitely feel you on this post. Although I have been guilty (just a couple of times) of doing the same, I rarely flake on people. It’s probably because I like to organize get togethers and I hate it when people flake on me. Also, I clicked on your post above on friendships and it brought a tear to my eye. I miss our Everyone Loves Raymond and Boone’s post work ritual.
it seems like a new part of our society. i think it’s really hard for people to juggle their priorities..work is so all consuming and exhausting, and then relationship/exercise/maybeschool/housekeeping/chores/ etc it’s hard for people to see why they should be like ‘ fuck it, i don’t care if i’m tired, i’m going to listen to Tamika talk about her hair extensions! ‘
but we need to make time if we want that thing that makes everything else worthwhile- connection. at least for me, without that kind of connection with other people i get to a point where i sit back and go ‘what the fuck am i doing?’
and apparently i like to say fuck a lot.
There are degrees of flaking… like pre-meditated flaking, non pre-meditated flaking, flaking in self defense, and “other flaking”.
But yeah, those serial flakers out there need to get some help. It is really annoying.
If I tell you I am going to show up, it’s a promise. I am good to my word. It’s common courtesy. Nothing more. Although it also gives you more party time when you show up early.
Haha. Serial flakers? Is there such a thing as second degree flaking, like if your absence makes that someone else a third wheel?
“Let your yes be yes, and your no be no.” – Matthew 5:37
The best thing you can ever do to that will affect people is by just showing up. :)
Be a man/woman of your word. it’s definitely not as marketed or apparently marketable in this day and age.
maybe someone needs to come up w/ a new slogan. i’m not creative, so i can’t come up w/ any, but someone should!
Amen for this! I HATE flakes, and never really knowing if someone is going to show up or not. It’s actually one of my BIGGEST pet peeves.
Then again I admit I’ve done it myself more than once (not often though and I hate doing it!) mostly because of the boyf, who himself is a flake. It bugs me…
I think reliability is totally underrated in today’s society… and that kinda makes me sad. Maybe cuz I’m a reliable person? which people count on but see as nowhere near as cool as being “spontaneous” or whatever. You can be spontaneour and still reliable thanks!
Wow, rant. who knew I cared so much about this…
PS I totally wrote about your post in my blog today! Go check it out…
I 2nd that. M@ usually says does what he says. One who is rarely late or flakes.
who flaked on you? i’ll kick them. we should be alloted a maximum amount of friends so we don’t always get caught up on making new friends or meeting new people. why do people care more about what strangers think of them rather than their true and existing friends? matt is pretty reliable. i never really noticed that. I guess that is why he is invited so so many parties. “have we become to comfortable…” sounds like a line from S&TC. I can hear kerri in my head. What I have learned in life “never expect anything and you will never get disappointed”. this goes along with relationships in general.
If ever I need to back out of plans it’s for a very good reason. But I tend to be punctual and reliable as a friend. I’ve seriously lost friends due to constant flaking on their part. I showed up in San Francisco once with my boyfriend, and my friend couldn’t even bother to meet up with us when we had planned in advance. Because he wante to keep partying. Some flakey friends have not even contacted me to back out, they just don’t even tell me a reason.
That to me is a slap in the face, and shows how little character they have. It also means that I’m not even worth a 20 second phone call. I understand if something truly comes up but when it’s repetitive it’s just very rude.
I too am fed up with flakes! I’m married and my husband and I have several friends we like to hang out with- who are all single still. We make it a point to be one time to events and RSVP. I’m thinking of launching a search for reliable friends who have the consideration to 1)RSVP 2) show up 3) show up on time
Too many times have we hosted a party for 30 ppl, when only 10 show up. All that food & drink has gone to waste! Such a shame. Or, worse…show up to a party that was set to start at 8pm, and be the only ones there for at least 2 hours!!! What’s up with that??
Thanks for writing this. I was so PO’d at multiple friends flaking on me for plans this weekend that I was searching the web for something to make me feel better, or at least to help me calm down. Now I know I’m not crazy for being annoyed…Hold Fast!
I live in the epicenter of flakeville….Los Angeles. making plans is like creating a little dream of a future event..sometimes the anticipation of the interaction/connection is more fulfilling than the actual event and can help us through a hard day, week etc..when someone flakes its like a disappointing death of that little dream. We start to lose faith in our little dreams and that makes us cynical and resentful. Los Angeles has become a stormy ocean made up of an endless number of tiny whirlpools of dysfunctional/flaky “friendships”…quite possibly contributing to it’s reputation as the flake capital of the world(pretty as it may be). Advise: keep your appointments…it reinforces personal INTEGRITY(a word seemingly lost on the masses)…which will ultimately serve to keep our little daily dreams alive…..On the other hand, just keep flaking and being flaked upon and then complain constantly that you have no substance in your life. Don’t forget where we come from and where we are going…
Does your boyfriend have any brothers?!!!
Great post and great comments! I especially like “let your yes be yes, and your no be no” and Andy’s whole comment. I wholeheartedly agree! The flaking out of my semi-new friend is calling into question our whole friendship, which I have thought of as a good and lasting thing! I also agree with Andy’s comment: “We start to lose faith in our little dreams and that makes us cynical and resentful.” This is exactly how I’m feeling. I like being optimistic!! I don’t want her flakiness to take that away from me, you know? Very frustrating…
I found this page when I googled “friend keeps flaking out” because i’m so frustrated with my long-time friend. She’s in her mid-40s, so you’d THINK she was mature and had integrity. But she doesn’t. There was a time a year ago where I absolutely stopped making plans with her after one too many no-shows and last-minute bullshit excuses. Plus, she’d often show up late to lunches and coffee. Then slowly we started doing things together again – this time at her suggestion. I would show up, on time, no excuses. I began to get comfortable with this and I started inviting her to do things again. Again the same result! Last minute flake outs, excuses. “I’ve got a fever.” “I have to drive my kid to a sporting event.” “I am tired.” Here I am, setting aside an evening for her and she cancels on me…AGAIN. I could have done something else. I could have not bothered to dust and vacuum and just relaxed and enjoyed my evening with my husband. But noooooo….
So the bottom line is, I’m back to not making any plans with her.
i am so glad i found this page – i am obviously not the only one who is frustrated! my friends suck! i always thought that a real friendship should involve two or more people who give and take equally with sincerity and without obligation.(most of the time, of course nobody’s perfect!) i have bent over backwards for these people, and what do i get in return? nothing! that’s what. it would be nice to have a visit for other reasons besides “i’m driving by your house anyways”. thanks, but no thanks! grrr. people these days are so self-centered. what are we teaching our kids to expect from relationships. i find there is no substance in them anymore. thank god for my husband and his fantstically sincere reliability!
“you can definitely get fired as a friend” Why is that trash? Of course you’re going to get fired as a friend if you keep flaking, or if you flake on something REALLY important. If you care about your friendships, DON’T flake people. If your friends keep you around even though you keep flaking, they either have little self-respect (which is sad) or they don’t even care about *you* very much to analyze why you’re not there. I hope that last statement made sense…