Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get my old brain back. It’s hard easing back into reality once you’ve been out of it for a while. But I’m trying.
I’ve been meaning to write a post about marriage, just because, I dunno, I suppose it’s a topic I should be pondering in between spastic declarations of “AND NOW I WILL MAKE MARTHA’S PAPER ROSETTES.” But the thing is, and here’s my confession: I don’t know what to write. I don’t have any grand thoughts about marriage. I don’t even really know what it means to be married except that, well, you hang out a lot and you pick up each other’s my underwear off the bathroom floor and you make all these decisions together such as pale blue walls and dark wood furnishings and two girls named Priscilla and Penelope. That’s what marriage is, right?
No? Hm, then I don’t get it.
All I do know is that I want to be married to Matt. ‘Til death do us part. (We plan to be single in the afterlife but meet up for an occasional booty call.) I know that we’re a team and have been for a while. I know that he is my happy. I know that I’m excited to be his wife.
We’ll probably attend pre-marital counseling in the coming months. There’s a whole lot of stuff we don’t know and it will be good to have some guidance.
Just curious—for hitched folks, how has marriage changed things in your relationship?
22 responses so far ↓
1 tia // Oct 29, 2009 at 4:44 pm
i think it depends on how you start out.
if you already live together and share finances and that sort of thing, not too much changes PHYSICALLY.
i think the biggest thing that changed, for US, was just the “safe” feeling. i felt so secure after our wedding, like this was IT, and that this guy was going to be BY my side and ON my side for the rest of my life.
and that’s an awesome feeling.
2 jenny // Oct 29, 2009 at 4:46 pm
I think marriage is suppose to be like you’re gonna love him even if he gets really really really ugly…
3 darleene // Oct 29, 2009 at 5:14 pm
One of the funniest things marriage has been to me is Trinity knowing what I’m thinking and saying it first. We’re constantly saying to each other, “get out of my head!” Lately, its been sharing the joy of feeling the baby move and doing these goofy Lamaze classes. My marriage is literally two lives becoming one shared life (even though we each have our own respective interests still), and it is wonderful.
4 Tiffany // Oct 29, 2009 at 6:37 pm
I got a call in the middle of posting a long heart felt thing about marraige from my husband who wants me to pick up a small chili and jr bacon cheese burger on my way home. I guess that is a difference. Things that I’ve noticed so far are:
1. Sharing holidays sucks.
2. He cleans the bathroom cause let’s face it I’d raher pay someone to do it. This includes Yeh Yehs bathroom.
3. I go to the gym a lot more cause every time we see family everyone comments how skinny he looks and just says hi to me.
4. I have to discuss what I spend money on with him all the freakin time. That pretty much cuts out shopping.
5. We eat in a lot more. I have to cook.
5 Tiffany // Oct 29, 2009 at 6:39 pm
#5 may be why he looks skinny
6 mandy // Oct 29, 2009 at 7:49 pm
Now that I’m thinking about it, I dont know a whole lot about marriage either. Its probably a good thing I’m single.
7 jenin // Oct 29, 2009 at 8:10 pm
steven and i have been married for about six months now and i gotta say, this marriage thing suits us both very well! to describe it in words, though, is a little harder… you and tia kinda nailed it: marriage is like having someone with you on your side and you being with someone on their side and both of you being a team TOGETHER. and it sounds really cheesy, but you become a ‘we.’ it’s a very safe, comforting, happy kind of we, though. and because we got married twice (once at the courthouse for us and once more in church to make it really, really real and official), it’s been really great so far.
on a lighter note, yeah, it’s about picking up clothes off the floor and putting them away (mostly mine, can you believe it!?) and making sure that their favorite foods and drinks are always in the fridge/cupboard.
and michelle, though i’m sure we’ll talk about it later, marriage also means (if you guys have even talked about it or if you’ve even thought about it already or if it’s a non-issue) that you’ll change your last name and on paper, kinda be a new person. it was very traumatizing for me, but in a good way, if that makes sense.
but yeah, marriage is good! sorry if i rambled.
8 Steph // Oct 29, 2009 at 8:21 pm
You are completely allowed to obsess about your wedding. In fact, you should! It only happens once in your lifetime! Soak it all in! It’s the last exciting thing until you have kids. Which, BTW, getting married automatically gives your family free range to ask you “When are you going to have kids?” EVERY SINGLE TIME they see you.
We didn’t live together officially before we got married. So getting married for us, included the whole sha-bang (well not that sha-bang.. lol.. anyyyyyways). But it has been great. Comfortable. Partnership. Wanting to stay in bed all day long because when he looks over at you, in all your morning hair, no makeup glory, and can’t get enough of you.. it’s perfection.
9 andhari // Oct 29, 2009 at 9:43 pm
I’m not married but I like what you said about being single in the after life. I heard you can do anything in the afterlife and it’s not a sin anymore :p
10 meredith // Oct 29, 2009 at 10:55 pm
that’s a really interesting question, woo. . . and i probably should address it too given my current circumstances and all. . .
marriage is one of those things that is hard to describe or explain because it means so many different things. for instance, my future brother-in-law and his girlfriend are living together and raising two kids. They’re not “married” in the “pen, paper, and public records” sort of way, and yet everyone refers to them as husband and wife.
matthew and i have been living together for the past three years and people call us “husband and wife” (that one took some getting used to. . . ). and we have friends that are actually “married” in the “whole sha-bang” sort of way, and yet they seem more like a couple that’s dating than anyone.
so, my point is (if there is a “point”). . .
marriage is a partnership between two people who are connected together through various spiritual and emotional bonds that have developed over time and through different experiences. it’s a continuous daily commitment to each other: when you wake up every morning and when your head hits your pillow every night. i don’t think “marriage” really is definable by anyone else but yourself and your partner because you two are the ones who must define the partnership in terms which are most agreeable to you.
good luck, woo. . .
and let me know if you figure it out!
11 mimsie // Oct 30, 2009 at 2:39 am
Not married yet, but being married means my mom will no longer think I am going to hell for living with Craig.
12 Kitty // Oct 30, 2009 at 2:50 am
My husband makes me my best self every day. Without him, I would lose my center. Marriage is (or at least should be) a commitment. Is it all that different from already living with the person you love? No. But it means something. It’s a pledge. No matter how rough it gets, we’re in this shit together. Marriage is knowing that you have found everything you need to survive anything. Congrats!
13 Nina // Oct 30, 2009 at 11:44 am
Yubo and I have been married for five years now, but we only dated/were engaged for two years and we never lived together before we got married so yeah, for us, marriage is really different than dating.
I would say that marriage before kids was more just an extension of dating, but more fun because he was always around and I didn’t have to drive to see him or vise-versa. Also the whole thing other people mentioned about feeling safe. But we also fought a lot more because every little annoying thing he did got magnified like 50,000 times because OMG I’m going to have to live with THAT (cracking his knuckles, leaving his socks all over the house, falling asleep mid-argument) for the next 60 years?!?
Marriage post-kids is a whole ‘nother thing unto itself. I think having young children makes marriage a lot more work. We have to actively set time aside to spend with each other, to talk to each other, etc. But at the end of the day, the best thing about being married is falling asleep and waking up next to Yubo everyday and knowing we’ll do that ’till death do us part.
14 nicoleantoinette // Oct 30, 2009 at 2:52 pm
I can’t imagine loving someone enough to be ready for marriage, so I have zero advice for you. You will, however, be the person I call for it if that day ever does come around.
15 Shaba // Oct 30, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Dear Michelle,
Welcome to my world.
Sometimes I wish I could take off my head just so the wedding brain constant planning would stop.
As for the marriage bit, I think I understood it better before there was this big looming party to plan.
It’s my worst fear to totally lose track of WHY there’s a wedding, and everyday I find myself slipping a little more. A Practical Wedding helps, but sigh, there’s just so much to DO.
16 sarah (ghost world) // Oct 31, 2009 at 8:10 am
i have been married for 3.5 years now — before that, we lived together for 3.5. honestly, the move-in affected our relationship more than the wedding!
i don’t feel like the ‘officialness’ of the wedding really changed anything – it was just a wonderful celebration of what we sort of already knew — that we wanted to spend our lives together.
i hope that takes the pressure off, just a little!
17 Michelle // Nov 1, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Marriage is just a piece of paper for the governments sake.
18 Heather Rose // Nov 1, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Premarital counseling is THE.WAY.TO.GO. My husband and I met in high school. We dated four years before we got married. We didn’t think there was ANYTHING we didn’t know about each other, but we were wrong. Counseling brought out some really important issues. Nothing that changed our love for one another, but things that we needed to be aware of/prepared for.
Oh, and anything that bugs you now will be amplified x10 trillion, and sincere communication is key.
19 wahzz // Nov 1, 2009 at 7:01 pm
This might be helpful. I don’t mean to be a pessimist, I just want to be helpful.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/24/your-money/24money.html?_r=1&em
20 michelle // Nov 1, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Wow, thanks to everyone for their thoughtful, eye-opening comments. I’m floored.
21 darleene // Nov 4, 2009 at 11:38 pm
I second Heather’s comment! Its totally important.
22 Tabitha // Dec 17, 2009 at 3:24 pm
I’ve only been married for four months, but I feel like I’ve simultaneously grown up a lot and also realized just how immature I still can be sometimes. (Case in point: today’s blog post.) But I do want to say that pre-marital counseling is SO completely invaluable. I am 100% sure that if we hadn’t gone through it, we would be having a COMPLETELY different experience right now as newlyweds. The counseling helped to bring out conversations we wouldn’t necessarily have had for awhile; we worked out issues that could have been deal-breakers, and we learned some really key tools for better communication. So, counseling is definitely one thing I will recommend to ANYONE I know who is thinking of getting married. It’s incredibly helpful.
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