While working on some wedding stuff (it never ends), Matt and I start watching some old episodes of 24, a series that is much too intense for my feeble little heart. Seriously, I’m the wuss of all wusses when it comes to television programming—I can’t stand blood and bad guys and danger—but 24 happened to be on and that Jack Bauer dude is just so cool.
So I’m getting all wrapped into it, clenching the couch and gasping at all the surprise attacks. Then one episode ends with this crazy twist. SPOILER ALERT! So there’s this terrorist trapped in this building and he’s surrounded by cops and the SWAT team and like a gazillion guys with guns and there’s absolutely no way for him to get out alive. And this terrorist is like a really, really bad terrorist, maybe the most dangerous in the world. He’s been threatening to kill thousands of people around the country with this crazy virus. So it’s really important that they get him.
But then, at the very last moment, just as he’s about to be blown up, the terrorist calls the head of the CTU, telling him to check out this website. There on his computer screen, the CTU guy sees his wife being held hostage. He must either divert the operation or watch his wife get her eyeball cut out.
And so the CTU guy tells his troops to cluster near the front door of the building.
And the terrorist escapes through the back.
And that’s how it ends.
We turn off the TV, and as I’m all shaken up, I ask Matt what any girl would ask her fiancé.
“Would you do that for me?”
Without hesitation, Matt says no.
I, in all my PMS-y glory, start to sob.
“Y-y-you would let them take my eyeball ooooooout??” I manage to ask through sniffles. I’m furious inside.
Matt says that if he were ever to take a job like that, which he wouldn’t, the possibilities that come with his position would be discussed beforehand, and that my question makes all sorts of assumptions.
All I hear is “Blah, blah, blah … it’s OK if your eyeball comes out.”
And then he says that if given the choice, he would choose to die in order to save me, which is pretty sweet, but I’m still so mad!
Why does he have to be so practical?
He could have just said, “Of course, honey. I would never let anyone touch your pretty little face.” And then I’d swoon and wouldn’t have to be a snotty mess.
I hope the fate of our country never has to rest on my husband’s decision.
Because I’d be really mad at him.
I would stare him down every night.
With my one eye.
And the Internet has turned against me once again…
I’m gonna play devil’s advocate here, but first – Matt should never let you watch terroristy things like that again. Yes, “let.” He should know better by now.
Next, dude. If your man’s gonna be playing with terrorist, you should always be super uber protected with like, a battalion of bodyguards so that this very scenario, this precise scenario, where you are threatened with bodily harm for the benefit of some scary dude, does not come to pass.
PLANNING. It’s all about the strategy and accepting that everyone’s a threat. You know, if Matt were ever to take a job like that.
/crazy.
@ m@:
If you want to survive marriage (or say, a 10-year relationship), just say “yes”. There’s a reason our dad’s are the way they are – or maybe just mine.
i LOVE this story. (sorry, i swear i’m not deriving entertainment out of your anger and upset. well, ok fine, maybe just a little. but only because i can totally hear matt and his practical, solution-oriented response. b/c it’s, just, well, matt)
i SO can’t watch 24 either. it’s so intense and draining. of course i don’t have a fiance to put on the spot with uber-hypothetical questions, so i’m in the clear on that end.
p.s. kind of really unrelated to this post…i just saw ur tweet response. i JUST rented and watched up in the air last week! we DO have a similar list of movies!! =)
Um, I just died a little. This is so good.
HAHAHAHAHAH i had a good laugh reading that one. Thanks Michelle.
If someone hasn’t snagged you yet to be a writer on their show, paper, or book deal, l say WTF? Maybe someone out there knows someone and can put in a call to SNL. Heaven knows they need you. This would’ve been a great skit complete with flashes of your imaginings. I laughed my eyeballs out! But then again, when have l not while reading your blog or watching your vlog. l’m beginning to sound like a broken record. (Olden days ref.)
AHAHAHAHA….oh Woo Woo, that story just totally made my day. M&M, you two rock!!
Awww he should’ve just said yessss. There are automatic yes and no that men should use everytime. It’s never about honesty on these things.
Will you save my life/be my hero/give your right hand for me? Yes.
Do I look fat? No.
Do I look ugly? No.
Will you find a new girl after I die? No.
O.M.G. You guys really are me and Joe! The evidence continually says so!