Matt and I went to our first of five pre-marital counseling sessions last week. It wasn’t our idea to sign up (in a way, we were forced to) but since we’re doing it, we’re taking it seriously. We both think it will be good for us.
One of the first things the pastor told us is that almost every couple cries at some point, and not out of joy. He’s witnessed lots of yelling and fighting and throwing of rings. I can believe it. Within the first 10 minutes of our session, we were revealing our deepest issues, stuff we hate talking about.
I secretly hoped that pre-marital counseling would lead to some good blog fodder but I’m not sure if it will. It’s all kinda private, you know? I’d never gone through any type of counseling before and I feel kinda naked. WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY FEELINGS?
I’m confident that our relationship will be even stronger after this. Plus, I would never throw my bling back at Matt. Have you seen this sucker?
Have any of you gone through pre-marital counseling? What was your experience like?
*This is our new favorite line. We use it against each other all the time. For example, I let one rip and Matt was like, “This is a problem. I’m gonna bring it up in counseling.” It’s kinda fun.
I’ve been trying to convince the Horse Whisperer that we should do this. I think it is great to have someone else mediate the Awkward Things, you know?
I wish you’d throw the ring at me. Then I can finally make the switch with the CZ I’ve been holding and finally be able to afford the down payment on that Ferrari I’ve been wanting.
I think counseling is a good idea, but there is also no such thing as a perfect marriage. Like your pastor said, someone is going to cry and there will be yelling and a lot of arguing.
My parents will be married for 28 years this July, and I am thankful that they argued in front of me. I know it sounds horrible; however, they never said horrible things about each other in front of my sister and me. I’m glad they argued, because it showed me that marriages are tough and there can be problems. But if you’re constantly arguing that is when you need help (thankfully they never argued all the time).
Good luck with your sessions, and let me know when the pastors asks “So, Michelle… Matt… which way should the toilet paper roll go, and would you share your toothbrush with your spouse?” No lie. That’s a common questions asked in counseling and I’ve heard that people get into fights about the toilet paper thing.
We had to do a pre-martial retreat and a questionnaire thing – we were supposed to do counseling sessions – but our priest thought were awesome and didn’t have to do it. (I sort of wanted to, but oh well.)
The “marriage test” as we called it asked all SORTS of weird questions. Some stuff was normal like about conflict styles and communication, while there CRAZY questions like, “Sometimes I hear voices that aren’t there,” “I feel like I’m being followed,” “I get urges to take things that aren’t mine,” and even a question about diarrhea!!
It was like a psychological assessment. And my parents filled out the EXACT SAME THING 21 years earlier – they obviously didn’t update. It was all so weird.
The retreat was pretty good, though – money and communication questions. I would like to do another marriage retreat in a few years (yes, I am a dork and I realize that. But caring about your marriage is COOL, right?)
PS: You fart around him? I am impressed. So many girls are afraid to do that. Booyah. :)
We had to go through two sets of pre-marital counseling. Not because our relationship was that troubled, but rather because we had two different religious leaders co-officiate our ceremony and they both wanted to meet with us. Although we did learn some new things about each other, by and large, we discussed things we’d already discussed before (we’re pretty good at that communication stuff). But, instead of rolling our eyes about having to go through the counseling, we merely looked at it at reaffirming important things we’d already discussed, emphasizing some of those conversations, finishing up other conversations that had only been started and really enjoying our time together. Glad to hear you’re taking it seriously and considering the topics private – as they should be!
Joe and I went through a TWELVE-FRIGGIN’-WEEK premarital class, and although it was long as all get-out, it was SO worth it. Ours was a group class, so there were six or seven other couples going through the same material and discussions, and it was cool to see different dynamics between each person with their respective significant other. I think you guys will get a lot out of this, and I’m super glad that you’re doing it — even though, yeah, it is pretty awkward at times. :-)
Yubo and I did pre-marital counseling with two different people – our pastor and more informal sessions with an actual LMFT. Anyway, it ended up being a really great thing for us because, as it turned out, we both had a lot of family baggage. Also we were like 5 years old or whatever when we got married.
I actually really believe that our marriage is as solid as it is because we did pre-marital counseling.
The session on sex with our pastor and his wife was, however, extremely uncomfortable and not something I’d want to go through ever, ever, ever again. I still cringe whenever I think about it.
matt and i might have to go to this pre marital counseling business too and i’m not looking forward to it. i’m like you, counseling would make me feel naked and i’m not sure how i feel about it. and anyways i usually lay it all out there anyways i don’t think i need a third party, but we’ll see.
The thought of premarital counseling scares the bejezus out of me. Maybe that’s why I’m not married? (HA yeahright.)
we did the whole pre-marital thing and you know what? i felt emotionally “nekkid” but it was awesome in the end! best to you and m@!
steven and i didn’t go through actual counseling sessions – it was more like meetings, i guess you could say. i think we did the same survey/questionnaire that ourlittleashley mentioned and we freakin’ aced it! no, really, we did. not cuz we’re nerds and set out to ace it, but we ended up ‘scoring’ or whatever so compatibly/high that there actually wasn’t much to talk about…
we’ve always been very open and honest with each other from the get-go and we have enough friends that are married that we already knew to keep an eye on our money and family issues. everyone has these issues to some degree or another, right? it’s just a matter of how you address them.
bottom line: marriage takes work. you have to work on it every day. i didn’t say it was hard cuz no one said it would be easy anyway, but like any other relationship or area of your life, you need to work on it, pay attention to it, and nurture your marriage and each other every single day.
and it sounds like you two are already doing that =)
Derek and I also did 5 pre-marital counseling sessions w/ a psychologist. It was mainly my idea but also b/c it’s required to have a covenant marriage in AZ. Make good use of those sessions, they are worth it!
LOL what a great new shtick. I should use it on Andy, and he’d be even MORE surprised/annoyed/amused, since we aren’t even going to counseling! ;P
Actually, I’m curious what kinds of things are asked/brought up in counseling that might differ from the conversations we already have in our relationship. Because I think Andy and I do a great job of talking about things, even when we don’t want to, so I’d like to think that we wouldn’t need counseling… but I’m willing to admit that there might be things we’ve overlooked. :P
Kristan, we’ve only gone through one session so far but our next session is on family. The way we both were raised definitely affects our expectations in our marriage, as well as our expectations (or lack thereof) for our future children. I think that’s one thing that isn’t easily brought up in everyday conversation. I don’t know if it’s that couples necessarily NEED counseling, but I am warming up to this idea of a third party person who has no ties to either of us just observing our interactions and offering some things to think about.
we did counseling as a group “sunday school class” pretty much, as our church is so big and marries so many couples (and we have to do it to be married by one of our church pastors), they can’t do it in private sessions anymore. it was cool being forced to talk about those things (we would discuss w/ significant other, share only if you wanted), but we went through some cheesy DVDs and some of the topics i feel like we should have probably worked out more (like um, money issues!!). mostly, i think it was good and it helped us talk about some things like conflict and how we deal with it, and understand each other and why the other is like that, etc. etc., and how to work through it! it’s good. good luck!!
No premarital counseling for us. I’d love to hear more about yours. We just promise to love and honor each other for the rest of our lives…. unless the other person gets fat. :)
I was surprised that I learned stuff about Ivan after going out for sooooooooooo long. Nothing make or break but it got us talking about stuff. We didn’t do that many sessions.