People always make fun of my driving. (I took my driving test four times, yada yada yada.) I remember one time, Matt sort of stood up for me, saying my driving isn’t “bad,” it’s just that when you’re riding in my car, you don’t really feel like I’m in control. It’s as if the car is driving me. I’ve been thinking about that lately and how it’s a good metaphor for my life. I oftentimes don’t feel like I’m in control. I just kind of go where the road takes me. But I’m learning that when you just go where the road takes you, you don’t go very far. To get anywhere, you need a GPS and maybe some iPhone traffic alerts. And most importantly, you need a destination. They always say life is about the journey, blah, blah, but you can’t just hang out on the road, singing along to your roadtrip playlist forever. You’ll eventually get a cramp and get cranky. You need a destination before you can sit back and enjoy the scenery. Otherwise you’re really just a passenger. And that’s all I have to say about driving.
Category Archives: Feelings
Let’s just run away
The thing about wedding planning is that it makes you think you can put off real life. It’s ridiculous, I know. Because while there are indeed a lot of things to plan (oh crap, I just remembered I have to figure out how to make heart-shaped jello-shot jigglers), it’s not like you have wedding stuff to do every day. No, it is very possible to be a fully functioning member of society while also sorting out your cocktail hour playlist. And yet I have successfully used this distraction to push aside the hard stuff, the reality of, I have no idea where I am going in life. I keep promising myself that I’ll figure it out after August, when my brain is not dancing with paper pom-poms. But it frustrates me that I still haven’t found my thing, the thing that I will make stick. I mean, I’m a writer, I know that. But where is it taking me? Or better yet, where am I taking it? There are possibilities out there, and I am hopeful. Though it’s times like these that I wish I had it all figured out.
P.S. Thanks for all your sweet comments on our engagement photos. You guys make me smile.
Posted in Crazy wedding lady, Feelings
2009: An Assessment
So I wrote this last week but was about to delete it because I was like, it’s sooooo boring, who wants to read about my boooring life? And then I thought, hmmm, well, this site is called Michelle Woo (me), so I guess you all do. Which brings me to my first goal of 2010 (and beyond): STOP CARING WHAT PEOPLE THINK. Oh, by the way, I’ve decided that every day this week, before I answer your questions (keep ‘em coming!), I’m going to write about one aspect of my life I’d like to work on. I was kidding myself when I thought I could cruise through the new year without some emo self-reflection. So stay tuned!
For now, here’s an assessment of my 2009, with ratings from 1 to 10.
Career: 6
This score may seem a little harsh since this past year, I 1) left a position that was weighing me down, 2) created my own part-time position (at the same company) that I’m enjoying 100 times more, and 3) declared I would also be a freelance writer and have actually—knock on wood—been getting steady work. So overall, 2009 seems like a mondo WIN. The thing is, and when it comes to my career, there’s always a thing, I feel so far from where I could be. And I don’t quite know how to get there. It bugs.
Love: 9
So, I got engaged. If that doesn’t boost my score in this department, I’m doomed. No really, I am loving this stage in our relationship—we’re building a life together, piece by piece. (Did I tell you that Matt and I are now on Verizon’s family plan? Isn’t that the sweetest thing?) It feels wonderfully natural, like oh hi, you’re gonna be my husband. Grin.
(I didn’t give myself a 10 because I suppose there’s always room for improvement. Maybe Matt can make me French toast in bed sometime, ya think?)
Friendship: 7
I can do a lot better in calling—not just gchating and Facebooking—my best pals, but overall, I feel really blessed to have people in my life who know me (and like me anyway). I’m excited for what’s in store for us: More trips! More dinner dates! More nights we can’t remember!
Family: 9
Family rules! (Though Ma keeps nagging me to take my clothes out of the dryer, even if the buzzer went off just an hour ago … for the 42th time.)
Appearance: 5
While I wouldn’t call myself a grenade (Dude, I don’t even watch Jersey Shore and I kinda love that term), my appearance has taken a downwards turn. Yes, we all get older, I know, just deal with it, but this is the first time I’ve noticed some “signs.” Ew, that word! My undereye area is kinda dry, my cheeks are not as glowy as they used to be and my eyes make tiny creases when I smile. Oh, and we’re not even gonna talk about my hair. It’s all okay, though, I’m just gonna have to put more effort into this important area of life, you know, bring out the power tools. I just invested in good mascara and fake eyelashes (I’ve never tried them!), and my mom bought me this secret gel that she says will make me look five years younger (23, can’t wait to see you again! I have missed you!)
General happiness: 7.5
I have a good life. Now I want more.
Posted in Being pretty, Boyfriend of the Year, Family, Feelings, Friendship
The Takeaway
Sometimes I think about Arizona. I haven’t been back since I moved to LA nearly three years ago. I think about the evening drives, the majestic sky, the warm, still nights. Mostly, I think about my old job there, how it challenged and fed me, how I was surrounded by some of the most talented, passionate people I’ve ever known. I think about who I was then, so young, so overwhelmed, so lucky. When I think of my short time in Arizona, I think, yeah, that was good.
It’s funny. I never really thought of myself as the super positive type but when I think about my past, I only remember the good. When I think about Arizona, I don’t think about how out of place I felt at times, how I would sit on my bed for entire weekends straight, with nothing really to do, no one really to see. I don’t think about how hard it was to be away from Matt, the hundreds of “I miss yous,” the tears that always came every time we pulled up to the departures line at the airport. I don’t think about how miserably hot those summers were (oh sweet Jesus, those were temperatures no human should ever have to bear). I don’t think about my frustration with everything in the end, how I just wanted to go home for good.
No, I don’t think about those things. I only think about how good my life has been, how many opportunities I’ve had since college, how many amazing people I’ve met. I guess this is a just a reminder that all the things that suck won’t really matter in the end.
When I look at my life now — living with my parents, planning a wedding and stressing about my career (as always) — I wonder what I’ll remember. What will I carry with me? What will I take away?
I want to know, so I can embrace it as it unfolds.
Posted in Feelings
Get behind yourself and push
When I first entered journalism, a lot of people told me I would be successful. Those voices of encouragement were my fuel. I aimed to please, and every time I did so, I wanted to do it again.
Now those voices have been quieted, understandably so — there’s no encouragement in journalism right now — but my own voice has not risen within me as a replacement.
It’s pretty quiet around here. Oftentimes, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, if I’m improving, if any of this means anything to anyone.
Sometimes I yearn to go back to school or work for a big company with lots of bosses, but I know that it’s only so I can get someone to say, “Yes, you’re doing it right.”
Can’t I just say that myself? Is it possible to be brilliant even if no one else utters the words?
It sucks to live like this, to be a praise junkie. (Ha — why do you think I started a blog?) Your worth is dependent on the opinions of other people, who can be oh-so unreliable.
There’s some genius in me, I’m sure, but finding it means looking past what’s going to get me comments and pats on the back and instead looking for what makes me come alive. That’s a much more difficult task.
But frankly, I’m tired of the silence.
Spring Forward
Yesterday I bought a cute spring dress on sale at Anthropologie and today I wore it all day. Just because. I cleaned my room, watched a Food Network Challenge and did a workout video (don’t worry — I barely sweat) all while wearing my cute spring dress. It’s bedtime and I’m still wearing it. It’s just really swingy and and comfy and I don’t want to take it off. I feel like my little sister when she was 4 and wouldn’t take off her shirt with the pink bow and it was a huge ordeal because she had worn it for like a week straight and it was dirty and smelly and all the relatives had to get involved and there was lots of pleading and bribing and tantrum-throwing. (Okay, I don’t feel quite like that — I just wanted to tell that story.)
To me, wearing this cute spring dress makes it officially spring. And that means it’s almost summer. And summer is something to look forward to, I suppose. Summer means Saturday barbeques and pitchers of sangria and the chance that my legs will no longer glow in the dark. All good things. But today, while imagining myself sprawled on some pool chair reading some celeb gossip rag and eating chips and salsa, I couldn’t help but feel unsettled. Why do I always need something to look forward to? I’m in a constant state of anticipation. Whether I’m counting down the days to a new season or a big vacation or a career move or my next stage of life, I’ll forever be that horse reaching for a carrot. Why can’t I just be?
This bothers me often. I guess it’s not a huge deal. I do like my life now. It’ll just be better when …
Wishy Washy
You know what my problem is? I spend too much time thinking and dawdling and swaying and not enough DOING. I’m such an ineffective lump that I just spent nearly two hours online looking up magnetic boards. Magnetic boards! As in slabs of metal. Ooooh, Pottery Barn has a nice slab of metal. Oh, The Container Store has a slab of metal, too. Let’s see what Apartment Therapy has to say about metal of the slab sort. And did I buy any of them? Of course not. Because I can’t make decisions and therefore will never be successful at life.
Yes, I’m using my shopping habits to explain why I’m a major FAIL. Remember when I was trying to decide whether to get a Blackberry or iPhone and I asked the internet for help and the internet graciously offered their thoughts and then never heard back from me again? Yeah. That’s because I still can’t decide. How lame! And then remember that other time when I was considering invisalign? Well, here I am, still … considering. With still-effed-up teeth.
OK, so maybe I just don’t like spending. That’s a good thing, I suppose. But it’s not just shopping. It’s everything. Remember a couple weeks ago when I decided wholeheartedly to follow a certain life path and you showered me with kind words of support? Well, in the past few days, I kind of shifted my thoughts and visions and enthusiasm to the OTHER PATH. My brain can do that sort of thing. It’s amazing. I feel embarrassed, though, about my dramatic announcements. You can totally have your comments back.
There are so many things that I need to do to get my act together and I’m just not doing them. I’m stalling. I’m scared. I mean, I have ideas. Believe me, I have ideas. But who cares if they just sit there chillin’ in my little head?
You know why I want a magnetic board anyway? I want to create an inspiration wall in my room, you know, with You Go Girl-type quotes telling me to do what I need to do. And if I ever get to it, I’m sure that project will distract me from actually doing those things I need to do, but hey, at least I’ll have a pretty slab of metal.
Posted in Feelings, General, Grownup stuff
Finding the light
I thought it was just a bad mood that enveloped me one day. Then when it stuck around, I figured it was an extended funk. (I have been working 11+ hour days, ugh, point finger-gun to head, shoot.) But today I had the realization that no, holy crap, this is a full-on crisis.
It sounds silly when I say it. I bet every other post on this website has the word crisis in it. Why is this crisis different than Crisis #948572 (the one where I bemoan my barely-there eyebrows)? I don’t want to be in a crisis. I’ve done crises. And written about them, too.
But it’s been building for the past several months and has been paralyzing me for the past several weeks. I wake up every morning and think I don’t want to do this anymore. I look in the mirror and wonder Where is my joy? It’s been affecting every inch of my life. (Have you sensed it, too?)
Sometimes, I think you just have to say your thoughts aloud in order for you to hear and listen to yourself. Today, I declared over and over, “I’m not happy.” I did this until the decision-making part of my brain finally snapped: “OK! Let’s do something about it.”
I’ve been procrastinating on choosing between two life paths, perhaps because one of the paths is so scary. But thinking about that path also makes my heart flutter inside. I believe that being on it would help me find my joy.
I’m going to take this path.
Typing this makes me smile.
You know when you’re trying to make a decision and there’s a little war between your heart and your brain, certain signs just seem to pop up.
Tonight, this gave me comfort:
I won’t be adding much detail about this chosen path for a while because I can’t, but just know that I’m on my way to more.
Posted in Feelings, Grownup stuff
Wherever you are, be all there
Someone gave this little book to my mom for her birthday and I saw it on the couch and started flipping through it. I was lured in immediately. My mom was like, “My friend bought that at Anthropologie. I’m going to return it for something cute.” And I was thinking, what can you buy at Anthropologie for $15, a heart-shaped BUTTON? So I snuck it upstairs to my room and continued reading.
You know when you need something so desperately in your life but you don’t know what it is until it lands in your fingertips?
The book, if you didn’t check the link, is called How Now: 100 ways to celebrate the present moment. This is something I struggle with always, the inability to embrace this for this, to soak up the now. What’s going on later? I can’t wait for this weekend! In just a few months, I’ll be home free. In just a few years, I’ll be there. My disconnection from the present puts a seatbelt on those big, hearty laughs and those therapeutic tears. It makes it hard to feel life, to experience life.
Anyway, I’ve enjoyed reading the little hippie exercises that help you snap back into the moment.
For instance:
Celebration # 2 Inner Smile
Feeling joyful is not necessary for presence, but it’s one of the most powerful ways to induce it. Joy creates an almost instantaneous sense of expansionan inner smile that’s like a warm bath. Some call this warm bath “flow” or “spirit.” No matter the name, experiencing it naturally connects us to ourselves and to everyone and everything around us.
The Practice:
Think about someone or something that you love. This could be a child, a place in nature, or a favorite memory. Whatever you choose, make sure that just reflecting upon it creates an automatic inner smile. Then surrender to that inner smile. Let it light you up. Feel it spread through your body and even beyond it, uniting you joyously with your surroundings.
Try it!
Posted in Feelings
