For now, here’s an assessment of my 2009, with ratings from 1 to 10.

Career: 6
This score may seem a little harsh since this past year, I 1) left a position that was weighing me down, 2) created my own part-time position (at the same company) that I’m enjoying 100 times more, and 3) declared I would also be a freelance writer and have actually—knock on wood—been getting steady work. So overall, 2009 seems like a mondo WIN. The thing is, and when it comes to my career, there’s always a thing, I feel so far from where I could be. And I don’t quite know how to get there. It bugs.

Love: 9
So, I got engaged. If that doesn’t boost my score in this department, I’m doomed. No really, I am loving this stage in our relationship—we’re building a life together, piece by piece. (Did I tell you that Matt and I are now on Verizon’s family plan? Isn’t that the sweetest thing?) It feels wonderfully natural, like oh hi, you’re gonna be my husband. Grin.
(I didn’t give myself a 10 because I suppose there’s always room for improvement. Maybe Matt can make me French toast in bed sometime, ya think?)

Friendship: 7
I can do a lot better in calling—not just gchating and Facebooking—my best pals, but overall, I feel really blessed to have people in my life who know me (and like me anyway). I’m excited for what’s in store for us: More trips! More dinner dates! More nights we can’t remember!

Family: 9
Family rules! (Though Ma keeps nagging me to take my clothes out of the dryer, even if the buzzer went off just an hour ago … for the 42th time.)

Appearance: 5
While I wouldn’t call myself a grenade (Dude, I don’t even watch Jersey Shore and I kinda love that term), my appearance has taken a downwards turn. Yes, we all get older, I know, just deal with it, but this is the first time I’ve noticed some “signs.” Ew, that word! My undereye area is kinda dry, my cheeks are not as glowy as they used to be and my eyes make tiny creases when I smile. Oh, and we’re not even gonna talk about my hair. It’s all okay, though, I’m just gonna have to put more effort into this important area of life, you know, bring out the power tools. I just invested in good mascara and fake eyelashes (I’ve never tried them!), and my mom bought me this secret gel that she says will make me look five years younger (23, can’t wait to see you again! I have missed you!)

General happiness: 7.5
I have a good life. Now I want more.

Sometimes I think about Arizona. I haven’t been back since I moved to LA nearly three years ago. I think about the evening drives, the majestic sky, the warm, still nights. Mostly, I think about my old job there, how it challenged and fed me, how I was surrounded by some of the most talented, passionate people I’ve ever known. I think about who I was then, so young, so overwhelmed, so lucky. When I think of my short time in Arizona, I think, yeah, that was good.

It’s funny. I never really thought of myself as the super positive type but when I think about my past, I only remember the good. When I think about Arizona, I don’t think about how out of place I felt at times, how I would sit on my bed for entire weekends straight, with nothing really to do, no one really to see. I don’t think about how hard it was to be away from Matt, the hundreds of “I miss yous,” the tears that always came every time we pulled up to the departures line at the airport. I don’t think about how miserably hot those summers were (oh sweet Jesus, those were temperatures no human should ever have to bear). I don’t think about my frustration with everything in the end, how I just wanted to go home for good.

No, I don’t think about those things. I only think about how good my life has been, how many opportunities I’ve had since college, how many amazing people I’ve met. I guess this is a just a reminder that all the things that suck won’t really matter in the end.

When I look at my life now — living with my parents, planning a wedding and stressing about my career (as always) — I wonder what I’ll remember. What will I carry with me? What will I take away?

I want to know, so I can embrace it as it unfolds.

(Photo credit)

Now those voices have been quieted, understandably so — there’s no encouragement in journalism right now — but my own voice has not risen within me as a replacement.

It’s pretty quiet around here. Oftentimes, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, if I’m improving, if any of this means anything to anyone.

Sometimes I yearn to go back to school or work for a big company with lots of bosses, but I know that it’s only so I can get someone to say, “Yes, you’re doing it right.”

Can’t I just say that myself? Is it possible to be brilliant even if no one else utters the words?

It sucks to live like this, to be a praise junkie. (Ha — why do you think I started a blog?) Your worth is dependent on the opinions of other people, who can be oh-so unreliable.

There’s some genius in me, I’m sure, but finding it means looking past what’s going to get me comments and pats on the back and instead looking for what makes me come alive. That’s a much more difficult task.

But frankly, I’m tired of the silence.

To me, wearing this cute spring dress makes it officially spring. And that means it’s almost summer. And summer is something to look forward to, I suppose. Summer means Saturday barbeques and pitchers of sangria and the chance that my legs will no longer glow in the dark. All good things. But today, while imagining myself sprawled on some pool chair reading some celeb gossip rag and eating chips and salsa, I couldn’t help but feel unsettled. Why do I always need something to look forward to? I’m in a constant state of anticipation. Whether I’m counting down the days to a new season or a big vacation or a career move or my next stage of life, I’ll forever be that horse reaching for a carrot. Why can’t I just be?

This bothers me often. I guess it’s not a huge deal. I do like my life now. It’ll just be better when …

Yes, I’m using my shopping habits to explain why I’m a major FAIL. Remember when I was trying to decide  whether to get a Blackberry or iPhone and I asked the internet for help and the internet graciously offered their thoughts and then never heard back from me again? Yeah. That’s because I still can’t decide. How lame! And then remember that other time when I was considering invisalign? Well, here I am, still … considering. With still-effed-up teeth.

OK, so maybe I just don’t like spending. That’s a good thing, I suppose. But it’s not just shopping. It’s everything. Remember a couple weeks ago when I decided wholeheartedly to follow a certain life path and you showered me with kind words of support? Well, in the past few days, I kind of shifted my thoughts and visions and enthusiasm to the OTHER PATH. My brain can do that sort of thing. It’s amazing. I feel embarrassed, though, about my dramatic announcements. You can totally have your comments back.

There are so many things that I need to do to get my act together and I’m just not doing them. I’m stalling. I’m scared. I mean, I have ideas. Believe me, I have ideas. But who cares if they just sit there chillin’ in my little head?

You know why I want a magnetic board anyway? I want to create an inspiration wall in my room, you know, with You Go Girl-type quotes telling me to do what I need to do. And if I ever get to it, I’m sure that project will distract me from actually doing those things I need to do, but hey, at least I’ll have a pretty slab of metal.

It sounds silly when I say it. I bet every other post on this website has the word crisis in it. Why is this crisis different than Crisis #948572 (the one where I bemoan my barely-there eyebrows)? I don’t want to be in a crisis. I’ve done crises. And written about them, too.

But it’s been building for the past several months and has been paralyzing me for the past several weeks. I wake up every morning and think I don’t want to do this anymore. I look in the mirror and wonder Where is my joy? It’s been affecting every inch of my life. (Have you sensed it, too?)

Sometimes, I think you just have to say your thoughts aloud in order for you to hear and listen to yourself. Today, I declared over and over, “I’m not happy.” I did this until the decision-making part of my brain finally snapped: “OK! Let’s do something about it.”

I’ve been procrastinating on choosing between two life paths, perhaps because one of the paths is so scary. But thinking about that path also makes my heart flutter inside. I believe that being on it would help me find my joy.

I’m going to take this path.

Typing this makes me smile.

You know when you’re trying to make a decision and there’s a little war between your heart and your brain, certain signs just seem to pop up.

Tonight, this gave me comfort:

Via Jen Lemen on Etsy

I won’t be adding much detail about this chosen path for a while because I can’t, but just know that I’m on my way to more.

]]> http://www.michellewoo.com/2008/11/21/finding-the-light/feed/ 15 http://www.michellewoo.com/2008/08/18/wherever-you-are-be-all-there/ http://www.michellewoo.com/2008/08/18/wherever-you-are-be-all-there/#comments Tue, 19 Aug 2008 06:23:08 +0000 michelle http://www.michellewoo.com/?p=626 Someone gave this little book to my mom for her birthday and I saw it on the couch and started flipping through it. I was lured in immediately. My mom was like, “My friend bought that at Anthropologie. I’m going to return it for something cute.” And I was thinking, what can you buy at Anthropologie for $15, a heart-shaped BUTTON? So I snuck it upstairs to my room and continued reading.

You know when you need something so desperately in your life but you don’t know what it is until it lands in your fingertips?

The book, if you didn’t check the link, is called How Now: 100 ways to celebrate the present moment. This is something I struggle with always, the inability to embrace this for this, to soak up the now. What’s going on later? I can’t wait for this weekend! In just a few months, I’ll be home free. In just a few years, I’ll be there. My disconnection from the present puts a seatbelt on those big, hearty laughs and those therapeutic tears. It makes it hard to feel life, to experience life.

Anyway, I’ve enjoyed reading the little hippie exercises that help you snap back into the moment.

For instance:

Celebration # 2 Inner Smile
Feeling joyful is not necessary for presence, but it’s one of the most powerful ways to induce it. Joy creates an almost instantaneous sense of expansion­an inner smile that’s like a warm bath. Some call this warm bath “flow” or “spirit.” No matter the name, experiencing it naturally connects us to ourselves and to everyone and everything around us.

The Practice:
Think about someone or something that you love. This could be a child, a place in nature, or a favorite memory. Whatever you choose, make sure that just reflecting upon it creates an automatic inner smile. Then surrender to that inner smile. Let it light you up. Feel it spread through your body and even beyond it, uniting you joyously with your surroundings.

Try it!

I need to get a life. No, really.

Sorry to be such a bore, but my mom says my goals won’t happen unless I write them down.

I’ve expressed my anxieties to my boyfriend, declaring at random moments of the day, “I’M NOT READY TO GET MARRIED!” Unfazed, he always gives me the same response: “Nobody’s asking you.”

I often believe that such psycho-girl episodes are brought on by the fact that everyone seems to have advice on “how it should be.” You know, like that whole thing about when you know, you just know. A recently-married pal explained it like this: Finding The One is like having an orgasm. If you don’t know for sure if you’ve had one, then, chances are, you haven’t. Strangely, I understood.

A less-explicit friend described her own test for how she’ll know. She said when she was young, she used to walk past this lady on the street who sold pencils for a living. It was such a simple, thankless life. She swore to herself that her future husband would be someone she could be happy selling pencils with. Being with him is all she would ever need. Sweet, huh?

Another friend put it differently. Recently married, she admitted that she spent nearly her entire engagement period coming to terms with her new permanently-attached life. There was no orgasmic epiphany. However unromantic this sounds, I think she’s smart. After five years of dating the guy, she realized that throughout her marriage, there will be days when she’ll wake up next to him and be sick of seeing his face. But she’ll still love him. And he’ll love her. Because they promised they would. And that to me, for now, is an incomprehensible, yet beautiful thing.

I don’t know where my life is taking me, but I guess that’s OK. I do know that I am loved every day. I know that I love every day. And for now, no matter what people may tell me, that is enough.

Though I still dream of time warps.